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STERNER: Welcome to the first annual Pima County Public Library Holiday Thingy…ma-bob.
The PCP LHP. “…and visions of angel dust danced through their heads.”
I hope you all remembered to bring diapers, because we got one heck of a show for you.
Good to see everyone here, from out in the branches and even some people from the fourth floor. A shout out to my homies
in the CDO, anyone? Seriously, enough already with the 7-Day books. We don’t have any more room for them. We’re
using them as doorstops. You'll be seeing some of them in next year's Found Art Displays.
We are the Tucson Johns. Johns Howley and Munoz, Mikes Marlin and Sterner, Anna Cossel. So with an even number of Mikes
as Johns this year, and an Anna to boot, not literally, we considered a possible name change, but somehow nothing had the
cache that Tucson Johns has.
So we’re all Johns again, To make it easy we’re the M-Johns, she’s the A-John and they’re the
J-Johns, for your convenience, and together we are the Tucson Johns, a portable entertainment unit, a porta-party, if you
will.
Speaking of names, this next song was originally titled the Page Supervisor’s Theme, but now would be the Office
Worker – Remote Location Manager’s Theme? Please welcome, new father, John Munoz.
MUNOZ: Papa John, How many Page Supervisor’s do we have here today? This song goes out
to all of you.
(Mary Tyler Moore Show Theme)
Who can turn MilCirc on with a smile?
Who can work a busy shift
And keep those patrons in single file?
Well it's you, supe', so you should not doubt
That each day, your intermittent pages will shout out: Books are all around, but we can shelve these
We will knuckle down -- don't reshelve books, please! We've gotta shelve these after all
We've gotta shelve these after all
(he tosses his beret into the air)
STERNER: Mary Tyler Munoz, men and gentleladies. So getting back to names thing, we call it
the Holiday Party to avoid calling it the Christmas party. To be politically correct and fair to those among us who do not
celebrate Christmas. But we still get December 25th off, so...
The Holidays have always been a troubling time for me personally. They can be very depressing for some, in fact, I usually
start getting depressed right after Halloween to avoid the Christmas rush.
I have some Christmas related Holiday trauma. When I was a kid I used to get in trouble for playing with the Nativity
scene. I was a little kid, I didn’t know any better, I put my army soldiers IN the nativity scene. I’d set up
a perimeter around the manger. The three wise men were held for questioning as enemy combatants. Well, they say they came
from “afar” how vague is that? Baby Jesus had a walkie talkie, in case of trouble, he could call in an air strike.
Escape with that jeep full of sheep.
Do you guys remember when you figured out there was no Santa? I personally was hurt. I felt tricked, deceived.
Great, no Santa…what about Easter and all those other holidays?
I suppose this means there’s no Labor Day Larry. No mischievous sprite in a hard hat with a stapling gun.
Bringing good cheer and black coffee.
Hey, Mom, Dad! Look what Larry left me under the scaffolding. Sheetrock!
And I heard him exclaim as he turned with a jerk, Happy Labor Day to all and Hey, you, get to work!
I know, I know, it was the same piece I performed, like, ten years ago but I figured with a like, what, 60% turnover
since then? That it would be okay.
By the way, I didn’t mean to insinuate, to those of you who still believe, that there is no Santa Claus. Because
there is. In fact, he’s here today to entertain you all. SO won’t you please put your hand together and welcome
ZZ Claus.
STERNER: (Le Grange)
Ho, Ho, Ho
Take you down
To this North Pole town
Where elves work overtime
And Mister Claus (ignores)
Child labor laws
So they don’t make one thin dime. (and that’s a shame)
MARLIN: (Tush)
I been bad, I been good
Check your list twice, knew you would
Put my coal in a box,
I’m not asking for an I-Pod here
I just don’t want no more socks.
STERNER: (Sharp Dressed Man)
Black boots Red cap
The little children want to sit on his lap
Red suit White hair
He's got some caribou that fly through the air
Comin' down the chimney just as fast as he can
All the world's crazy about this fat, old man.
STERNER: And now we have a change of pace, a beautiful choral arrangement featuring John Howley
and the talented Anna Cossel.
HOWLEY AND COSSEL: (Silent Night)
KVOA
Came in one day.
Saw some porn,
Ran away.
Called the County, No ifs ands or buts.
We need something to keep out the SMUT
Screens that block every time,
Unless you are standing behind.
STERNER: Beautiful wasn’t it, just brings a tear to my eyes. Or is it a gleam?
Well, finally, the biggest name change of all, we have a song to hopefully help us all remember our new name.
MUNOZ AND ALL: (Village People's YMCA)
Pima, who we all think is great I said,
County, not a town or a state I said,
Public, it’s on them that we wait
Here at the same, old library.
PCs, that you use without fail.
You need access, to your stupid email.
We do “upgrades” that have put us all down
About sixteen times since Sunday.
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
We’ve got everything you could want to check out,
So stand up with us, dance and shout,
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
DVDs and CDs, magazines, have a look…
And this outdated thing called books
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
It's fun to check out at P-C-P-L
When you pay with a check, just write PCPL
And we’ll need your AZDL
It's fun to go down to P-C-P-L
It's fun to get high on P-C-P-L
STERNER: Thanks for playing along. We’re the Tucson Johns. We’ll be appearing
at Holiday Parties all across Pima County. Good Morning!
Thanks for playing along. We’re the Tucson Johns. We’ll be appearing at Holiday Parties all across Pima County.
Good Morning!
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